The Silent Pain of Separation – grieving after divorce or separation

When we think of grief, we often associate it with the loss of a loved one through
death. However, grief is not exclusive to bereavement—it can be a powerful reaction
to any form of significant loss, including the end of a marriage or partnership. Dr.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, introduced the “five stages of
grief” model in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Originally applied to terminal
illness and loss, this model can be helpful in understanding the emotional journey
many people face in divorce or separation.
Here’s a look at the five stages of grief through the lens of divorce or separation:
1. Denial
Denial is often the first reaction, where a person may struggle to accept that the
relationship has ended. This stage can involve a feeling that the split is
temporary, believing things will “work out,” or simply refusing to engage with the
reality of the separation.
2. Anger
As the reality sets in, denial often gives way to anger. This anger can be directed
at the ex-partner, oneself, or even external factors. It’s not uncommon to feel
resentment for “wasted years” or frustration over issues that led to the breakup.
This stage, though painful, can be a powerful motivator for addressing unresolved
issues.
3. Bargaining
Bargaining can look like trying to reconcile, or making personal promises (“If I just
change this, maybe they’ll come back”). It might involve a strong desire to “fix”
the relationship, despite knowing deep down that it may be beyond repair. People
may also replay what they could have done differently, an attempt to regain a
sense of control.
4. Depression
The sadness that accompanies the acceptance of the relationship’s end can lead
to a period of depression. This is often a time of reflection on the loss, loneliness,
and a future that looks different than imagined. Depression in this stage isn’t a
sign of weakness; it’s a natural response to a deep loss.
5. Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean feeling happy about the separation.
Instead, it means acknowledging the reality of the situation and making peace
with it. In this stage, people begin to see a path forward, establish new routines,
and start imagining a new future that doesn’t involve the former partner.
Acceptance can be freeing and allows for a sense of closure and the start of
healing.
While these stages offer a framework, they’re not a strict sequence. People may
revisit certain stages or skip others entirely. The path through grief is as unique as
each individual relationship.
For those experiencing a divorce or separation, understanding these stages can

provide comfort and insight. It’s essential to approach the journey with self-
compassion and, when necessary, seek support through friends, family, or mental

health professionals. Healing is possible, and this journey through grief can lead to
growth, resilience, and a renewed sense of self.

www. Essexmediation.co.uk and www.Londonmediation.co.uk help clients through this process 

Written by Charlene Edwards www.allfamiliesmediation.com